


Tui Shou

by dreamsdescent



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, It Gets Better, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, just depressing angst, like not cute mutual pining angst, marriage problems, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-01 15:47:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsdescent/pseuds/dreamsdescent
Summary: It had started so well, the two of them falling in bed at night exhausted but giddy with their success, with their love, with their pride in each other. Who else in the whole galaxy could possibly be as lucky, as happy, as they?It had started so well, but things have a way of falling apart. They learned that the weight of success is even greater than the weight of failure. Now there was so much to lose. Now there were nights with no sleep at all, and days with no laughter.





	1. Marks

**Author's Note:**

> For my dear friend C, with hope for both of us in this training practice called marriage.

Rey looks up from her book and steals a glance at Ben across the room. He is sitting at his desk, practicing his calligraphy. She watches the slight movements of his shoulders, usually tense with the weight of the galaxy, now relaxed as the smell of the ink and the sound of the pen carry him to a meditative place.

She knows the way the art soothes him, takes his mind away from everything that surrounds him, away from his guilt and shame over the past, away from his fear and worries about the future. She knows he will not notice her staring at him. She knows the strokes of his hand, swift and sure, just as truly as if it were her own. She has traced the marks on the page. They are like the movements of his arms as they spar together in the training room, muscles thrilling with power and resistance. Like the movements of his body with hers in the dark, as their breath and pleasure becomes one.

Rey watches him, and she can't look away. He is so strong and so beautiful, power channeled in precision. She knows that feeling in her core, and heat rises to meet it.

She wants nothing more than to run her hands down that broad back, to turn him in his chair, to kneel between his knees, and...

No. She can't. She promised herself. She won't.

Rey is angry at Ben.

 

*

 

It had all started so well, this rebuilding they had embarked upon together.

Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, destined for fierce diplomacy and high-stakes gambles. Out of the ashes of the First Order he would create something new, a free and voluntary confederation of the star systems with local autonomy and shared resources. Education. Healthcare. An end to trafficking. And as the promises had proven true, more and more governments had voted to join.

Rey Solo, the Last Jedi, the mother to orphans everywhere. She was the one who had found Luke Skywalker, who had preserved the ancient wisdom, who would now teach it to a new generation of Force-sensitives. Her school grew every year, the oldest students brought on as assistants for the younger. Perhaps too soon, but what else could she do? The need was immense, and she would not turn a single one away.

It had started so well, the two of them falling in bed at night exhausted but giddy with their success, with their love, with their pride in each other. Who else in the whole galaxy could possibly be as lucky, as happy, as they?

It had started so well, but things have a way of falling apart. They learned that the weight of success is even greater than the weight of failure. Now there was so much to lose. Now there were nights with no sleep at all, and days with no laughter.

Now there was the first year that Ben had not attended the honors ceremony and graduation for Rey's school. As she sat among all the familiar faces, the familiar music swelling to signal the beginning of the ritual, she could feel his absence like a pit in her stomach.

He had said the meeting was unavoidable, but she knew better. He had never missed this before. He knew how important it was to her. He was the most powerful man in the galaxy. People bent over backwards to fit in his schedule.

No, she knew why he wasn't there. It was written in every avoided glance, in every silent meal, in every cold pillow that her hand would find before her eyes opened in the morning.

He didn't care for her anymore.

He couldn't.

She had been a fool to think that two broken people could somehow make a whole, that the hard shell of anger and darkness that he had spent so many years building around himself would dissolve forever. It had opened for her once upon a time, but he was too used to hiding behind his power. Vulnerability was not a state he could sustain.

And she, perhaps, was too needy, too desperate for a lifetime of denied affection. He had accused her once of expecting him to be, not only her lover, but her father and mother too. And though he had fallen on her lap and begged for her forgiveness, she could never quite forget those words. They came for her in the shadows, echoing the voice that had dogged her since before she could remember. You're not wanted. You're too much. You'll never be loved the way you need. Give up. Settle.

She tried to shake it. She looked around at her students, the little ones who loved her like the mothers they had lost. The grown ones who had become colleagues and confidants, partners in this uncharted journey. Then there were old friends from the Resistance days, and new ones from the fledgling alliances they were building.

And of course, there was Finn. Faithful Finn, closer than a brother. She turned to him and reached for his hand. He squeezed it and returned her glance, everything passing between them without words. For Finn she would never be too much. She was loved. She was surrounded by it.

She tried to let that be enough.

 

*

 

After the graduation Ben had come home in the middle of the night, hours after he would have expected Rey to be asleep. She was still awake, of course, but she lay still as a stone on her side of the bed, hoping he wouldn't try to talk to her. Once she heard his breathing settle into its slow, deep rhythm, she took her pillow and tiptoed to the other room.

The next morning passed in silence, and many days after that.

Not touching him, not hearing his voice was slowly killing her, but she didn't know what else to do. She had told him so many times what she needed. He hadn't been able to provide it. What was there left to say?

 

*

 

Ben rises from his calligraphy desk. Rey listens to the quiet sounds of him getting ready for bed. After a while she decides to follow him. He must still be awake when she slips under the covers, curled up with her back to him, because she feels his hand, large and warm on her calf. He runs it gently down to her ankle, up over her bent knee, around her hip, and back down her thigh.

It feels so good, she has to stop herself from whimpering. Her body has been craving this, even more than she realized.

He continues his long strokes over her leg, then moves up to her back, his thumbs massaging up and down either side of her spine.

“Is this ok?” he whispers.

“Mm-hm, feels good,” she responds, with effort. Half of her is already asleep, lulled by his touch and melting into the mattress. The other half is alert, even anxious, trying to decide what she will do if he ventures into more...intimate...territory, when—there it is, his hand lingering at the base of her spine, then moving lower, slowly, slowly, around the curve of her ass to where her legs meet, back up between the cheeks, and around, each time a little deeper.

Rey is fighting within herself. Her body wants to give in to the pleasure, to open to him. Her mind says no, stand firm, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result. Her heart is hopelessly confused, torn in two between her desire for him and the pain he has caused her.

“Is this ok?” he asks again. He has shifted so his chest is against her back, his mouth against her ear. His breath sends a shock down her ribs.

She nods, unable to speak.

His hand reaches further between her legs, brushing her clit with a soft, teasing stroke. She gasps, opening her legs wider, pushing back against him, begging for more pressure.

He responds by pulling his hand away. He grips her bottom, kneading it hard. “Have I ever told you how much I love your ass?” he asks quietly.

She nods, breathless.

“You are so sexy, Rey. I just want to touch you everywhere, to feel how you move under me. I want to hear you moan.”

She does. She can't fight this. If he wants to give it to her, well, let him.

His hand slides over her hip, back to her clit, his fingers moving in the slow, deep strokes that practically make her mouth water.

Meanwhile, his other arm has found its way under her neck, holding her close as he lightly brushes each breast in turn. She is pinned in place, only able to arch her back as he plucks and strums her like some tightly-wound instrument. She's panting to the rhythm, and she wants more.

He starts to move faster and harder. He's pinching her nipples now, the pleasure-pain shooting straight to her core where she can feel the pulse of her climax starting to gather, almost in slow motion.

“I'm going to come,” she whispers, and he groans in her ear, pushing her a little harder until suddenly the tension peaks and then snaps, radiating from her center out over her whole body, which rocks in Ben's arms as he carries her through to the last aftershocks.

She's oversensitive now and pulls away from his touch, suddenly sober and full of regret as she realizes she's let him in, again. He gave her pleasure and she should reciprocate, she supposes, but she's still angry at him. And so tired.

She curls back into herself and falls into a restless sleep, guilt and resentment in equal parts roiling at the back of her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tui shou, also called Pushing Hands, is a two person martial arts practice. In the words of wikipedia, "Pushing hands works to undo a person's natural instinct to resist force with force, teaching the body to yield to force and redirect it...Among other things, training with a partner allows a student to develop ting jing (listening power), the sensitivity to feel the direction and strength of a partner's intention."


	2. Direction

Rey wakes up alone in bed. _Again_ , she adds to herself. She's stopping herself from reaching to feel if Ben's side is still warm when she notices the note on his pillow. Anyone else would have sent a message to her datapad, but Ben likes to leave handwritten notes on paper. _It's like giving a bit of myself to you,_ he had said, years ago, in a romantic mood.

_Sweetheart,_

_I hope you slept well. I have a work trip that came up so I will be gone for about a standard week. I'll comm you when I'm on my way home. Hope you have a good week._

_Love, Ben_

_I'll miss you_

Rey lets the hand with the note flop back down on the bed and closes her eyes before they can well up with tears. She refuses to be touched by the post script. If he misses her so much, why does he leave all the time? She had a little break from teaching this week. She could have rearranged some of her responsibilities and gone with him. But no. He didn't even ask.

Well, maybe that was her fault, since they weren't talking.

Rey groans and starts to get ready for the day.

 

*

 

Despite the break from teaching, Rey finds plenty of things to keep her busy. The last thing she wants is to sit around thinking about Ben. To start missing him. She trains extra hard, running and practicing her forms. She decides to skip the meditation most days. It's better to keep moving. She rearranges the furniture, organizes the supplies at the school, and communicates with some potential houseparents for the school. It's a perennial problem, trying to find good people to take care of the students. The ones she does find rarely stay more than a few years before moving on to better opportunities. It's hard work and not well paid.

Only Finn and Rose have been with her since the beginning, although they're not there all the time, busy running the stormtrooper rehabilitation program. They love the students, though, and it sets Rey's mind at ease to have people she trusts overseeing the students' living. People who know what it's like to lose your family, to have to make one for yourself.

Rey meets with Finn for their usual weekly lunch.

“How are things going with Ben?” Finn asks, gently, after they've exhausted their small talk.

“They're not. He's gone for work.”

“Oh. Again? Where this time?”

“I don't know. He didn't say. It doesn't matter anyway.”

There's a pause as they eat. Rey can tell that Finn is waiting for her to say more.

“I have a couple leads for new houseparents. Would you or Rose be able to find a time to interview some of them? They're willing to come here.”

“Sure, just maybe not in the next week or two. I need to do a little travelling myself. You know we've had some trouble with some extroopers trying to reintegrate on their home planets. Some of them were taken when they were so young, or were so thoroughly reconditioned, that they don't remember anything of the language or the culture. I need to talk to some of them, check on what kind of supports they've been given, make sure their supervisors understand their unique challenges. There are a few I'm particularly worried about. I wish I could just bring them here to stay with us, but we simply don't have room.”

“I know, I'm worried about that, too. I know there are more children out there gifted with the Force who would benefit from training, but we're at our max capacity.”

Before they part, Finn gives Rey one of his signature hugs. She tries not to think about how many days it's been since she's felt human touch.

 

*

 

Ben finally comms her a day after she expected to hear from him, apologizing for a delay that was out of his control. By the time he gets home, she's angry enough at him again that she thinks she can manage not to get pulled back in by his eyes, the way he smells. She stays where she is when she hears the door open. As long as she doesn't touch him, she'll be fine. No reunion hugs.

He finds her.

“Hi, how was your trip? I got a lot of work done while you were gone,” she blurts out, trying to sound lighthearted. She's about to launch into a litany of tasks checked off her list when he steps a bit closer, cutting her off with the sheer power of his physical presence. She tips her chin up to meet his gaze, her eyes full of challenge.

“Rey.”

She says nothing.

“Rey, I... I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I know you're upset...”

“ _Upset” doesn't even begin to cover it_ , she retorts internally.

“...but can we talk? I have something to tell you.”

“Ok,” she says stiffly.

“Well, remember the meeting I had a couple weeks ago, that I couldn't change?”

 _That you missed the graduation for, how could I forget?_ Rey nods.

“I've found a new donor for your school. A big donor.”

“You...what? How big?”

“Well, they want to fund a new building for you here, with more space and better functionality. They are prepared to start the planning as soon as you're ready.”

Rey's jaw is hanging open. This is almost too much to believe.

“And they want to start an endowment to fund the school's operations into the future, to increase the salaries for teachers and houseparents. I told them about your difficulty keeping good people to look after the students.”

“You...”

“And they're also interested in starting new branches of the school on other systems. They can fund those buildings soon. That's what I was doing this week, scouting locations and contacts for the new branches.”

“But, why would they do all this?”

“They're from one of the old families from the Republic days. They remember how the Jedi used to be an integral part of peace-keeping. I think they're hoping that having schools integrated throughout the galaxy will help promote greater understanding of the Force and Force-sensitives and will create some more cultural cohesiveness throughout the new coalition we're building.”

Rey is speechless for a second, trying to take it all in. One part of her is flooded with relief and gratitude. With a bigger school, she can take in more students...maybe even some of the many non-Force-sensitive children who she meets on her travels who are without families and homes. Maybe they can have space for the former stormtroopers that Finn wants to help. Her mind is spinning with all of the things she can do.

But another part of her resists. No. Ben can't just leave her like this and then pretend this lavish gesture makes it all ok. He can't act like he knows what she needs and wants, do all these things for the school without her input.

“Wait. Did you say you were out scouting locations this week? Not working, like you said?”

“Yes. Well, I mean, it's sort of working, it's all part of the mission to expand access to education, to promote peace and cooperation throughout the galaxy.”

Rey looks at him skeptically.

“Ok, ok, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“That's not really what's bothering me. You left me here for a week. I could've gone with you. It's MY school. I want to be involved in these decisions.”

“But I thought...you've been working so hard, you needed a break. You should focus on teaching, that's what you do best.”

“What? You don't think I can do both? You don't think I'm capable of judging that for myself? I'm not a child, Ben. You don't get to say what's best for me, to go behind my back on things like this!”

“No, that's not what I meant...Rey, going behind your back? I was trying to do something NICE for you! I know how much this school means to you.”

“Do you? Then you should have  _been here_ for the graduation! You don't get to abandon me like that, and then show up with a bunch of money and expect me to be grateful! I'm still angry at you, you know!”

All the pain of the last couple weeks is spilling out now and Rey dissolves into tears. Frustrated tears, because she's more angry than sad. Ben's jaw is working and his eyes are unreadable, but he steps forward and pulls her into a stiff hug. “I'm sorry, Rey. I didn't mean to abandon you...”

“Do you know what this school means to me, Ben? It's not just a job or a project, not even just my dream to make life better for other kids like me. This school is...” she sucks in a shaky breath. “This school is the closest thing I have to a family.”

Ben freezes. He looks like he's been slapped. Rey can feel a charge in the air. “I thought I was your family,” he grits out.

“You are! But that's...different. You said it yourself, I need more than that. I need this extended family, people to care for, a place to belong.”

“I know you need them. I think sometimes you care for them a little _too_ much.”

“What?”

“Rey, you've been working so hard, for years now. Sometimes it feels like I go days without seeing you, even when I'm home. Sometimes it feels like...” Ben pauses to swallow the tears that seem to be threatening, and his voice comes out hard, almost angry. “Sometimes it feels like you love them more than you love me.”

“What?” Now it's Rey's turn to feel like she's been slapped. “Love them more than I love you? How can you say that? You're my—my partner, my Bondmate, my other half! And besides, you're just as busy as I am, flying all over the galaxy every few weeks, taking comms at any time of the day or night! I don't see how this is my fault!”

“Of course you don't!” Ben yells back and stalks out of the room.

Rey stands dumbfounded for a few minutes. She had no idea that Ben had been feeling so neglected. Was that why he left her behind so often? To try to get her to miss him? Or just to send a message? Was that the motivation behind this whole scheme, to try to earn her love back? Even in the midst of her lingering anger, her stomach churns at the thought of him feeling as unwanted and abandoned as she had been. No one should feel that way, ever. Wasn't that the whole reason she started this school in the first place?

No, this won't do, Rey decides. He needs to know how much she still wants him.

She finds him their room, face down on the bed. She tiptoes over and lies down next to him, gently wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Touching his face, she can feel the wetness on his cheeks. She rolls him to his side and lifts herself, beginning to kiss away his tears, but they just start to flow again.

“It's not—it's not your fault, Rey,” he chokes out.

“Shh, shh, I know, I know.” And she does. She knows how deep the scars go. “I love you.”

She moves down his face, finding his mouth with her own. His lips are so soft as she moves across them, just barely touching them with her own. He kisses her back, pulling her to his chest and holding her like he will never let her go. Soon she is reaching out to taste him as their mouths join together, giving and taking in a slow, deep rhythm.

A low moan rises breathlessly from his throat and Rey knows she has gotten through. She straddles his hips, opening her legs wide so she can feel his rapidly hardening cock against her core, and gives her own moan into his mouth. Their kisses become faster and harder as she rubs her pelvis against him in slow circles.

He breaks the kiss with a gasp, his breath faster now as he chants her name.

“Ben, Ben, how could you think I don't want you,” she responds against his chest as she makes her way down. She opens his pants and pulls them down off his hips. He whimpers slightly, realizing what she is about to do. “This his how much I want you,” is the last thing she says, before words dissolve completely as she fills her mouth with his cock.

It's primal, this devouring, feeling the smoothness of his skin against her tongue, the resistance of his flesh against the pressure of her lips and palate, the completion of all this empty space as she takes him deeper and deeper, humming with pleasure. He's panting and she can feel him starting to tremble from the effort of holding back. She sucks harder, daring him to give in to his desire.

He does, wrapping her hair around his fingers and thrusting, once, twice, into her mouth before pulling her head up to his. “Get on your hands and knees,” he commands in her ear, and she's consumed with a shiver that starts in her neck and moves all the way down her body. She obeys.

“Good girl,” he growls, gripping her ass with both hands, and then seems to break character. “Oh, Rey, My sweet, fierce girl,” he says, sincerely, running his hands up and down her back. “I never want to hurt you. I never want to leave you behind.” He squeezes and pulls her breast as he whispers in her ear, “You're everything to me,” and she's utterly lost, reeling from the softness of his words and the roughness of his touch. Her cunt feels so empty.

“Oh, fuck me, Ben, please,” she whispers.

He pulls away and she holds her breath, waiting, for an eternal moment. Then she feels his fingers part her labia, spreading her wide as his tongue suddenly makes contact with her clit, stroking hard and fast. She nearly collapses on the bed, but then just as quickly, he's gone again. She can feel the coolness of the air against her soaking wet cunt.

His knees creep up on the bed, his thighs touching hers and she feels the tip of his cock pushing against her entrance. She rolls her hips back and he's in, sliding easily all the way down. He fills her so completely. Without missing a beat he's thrusting slowly and surely, all the way in, all the way out. He supports himself with one arm as he hovers over her back, pinching her nipples with the other hand.

She loves this position, feeling so vulnerable and overpowered. He's on every side of her, all she can feel. His hand slides down her stomach to stroke her clit as his thrusts become faster and harder. She rocks her pelvis, chasing that all-consuming pleasure that is starting to build in her cunt. She starts to melt and soon she's flat on her stomach, sinking into the mattress with his weight on her back, his hand still working her clit, his cock pumping in and out.

She's almost there. She just needs something, a little bit more. She moans as she focuses, trying to find that place in her mind that will take her over the edge. Ben knows what she needs. He whispers in her ear, “That's it, beautiful. I want to feel you come. Come on my cock. I'm going to fill you up.”

Time rises to a fever pitch and then breaks open as they both find release, their bodies rocking together with an eternal pause at the height of each thrust. He rolls on his side, pulling her to his chest as they spoon, still joined.

Warmth spreads across her body as he gently strokes her everywhere he can reach, humming into her hair. “I love you too, Rey,” he says at last.

It's not everything that needs to be said, Rey knows. But for now, she will let it be enough.

 

 

 


End file.
